Kassidy M Kearey – Renegade Folk Hero
Kassidy M Kearey – Renegade Folk Hero

Dan and the rice-cakes of highly destructive nature

Hello children. Today on Storytime we’re going to read this wonderful little book I found on PlanetKass called “Dan and the rice-cakes of highly destructive nature”. It’s really lots of fun. Are you ready? Then let’s begin.

Once upon a time there was a little tumble-down office next to the dinky doorbell shop, in the middle of a quaint town called Caterham. It had big glass windows and orange bricks, and a bright red roof. Everyday, the office workers would drive in with their shiny cars or walk from the choochoo train station whistling happy tunes. Everyone but Bonzo, who did not turn up for work on this day because his Xbox 360 arrived yesterday.

But what was really special about today was that Dan, a really jolly fellow with a PHD, had brought in some new salt and vinegar rice-cakes from the nice people at Tesco, who spend all night making them in their highly sanitised factories at the foot of the magic oak tree. He was happily making his way through the package of rice-cakes when he suddenly got called away from his desk to attend an important meeting with the nice man down the corridor to talk about his new spiffy stapler.

As soon as Dan has skipped down the hallway, Señor Engineer, who didn’t like the smell of the rice-cakes, did a very naughty thing; he took the package of remaining rice-cakes and placed them in a white plastic bag marked “quarantine”. Quarantine means something has been separated from the rest of the world because it’s nasty, children, so never open a bag that says quarantine. And evil pixie might nip your poor little nose and that’s not nice.

When Dan came back and found out, an evil little grin came across his face, He waited for Señor Engineer to go outside for a smoke, which by the way, children, you shouldn’t do because it’s bad for you and makes your teeth lose their pearly whiteness, and took two of the rice-cakes over to Señor’s desk. He put one in each of his coat pockets and crunched them up in to tiny pieces. Jan couldn’t stop herself from laughing and began to cry because it was the funniest thing she had seen in years.

And so Dan trundled back home vastly satisfied with his wicked deed. As for Señor Engineer, he only found out what had happened when he began his long journey home after a long honest day’s work.

The End.

Edit: He actually figured this out before leaving the office (I thought he wouldn’t). The convo went as thus:

Dan: Jon, I think you’ve got something in your pocket there.
Jon: If there’s one of those damned rice-cakes in there y-…. you f-ing bastard! And I’ve got a hole in my pocket so it’ll be all in the lining.

Dan is still getting the rice-cake out of the lining. Quality.


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